Two weeks into practicing social distancing due to the COVID-19 pandemic, I caved and had a drink.
Relapsing was shameful ― but I felt I had an excuse. I had memorized all of the trivia cards in my deck and had done all of the puzzles at my house. Drinking gave me a sense of relief that no game of Cards Against Humanity or episode of “Tiger King” could provide.
About a year earlier, I’d gone through a breakup that was directly caused by my drinking. My partner and I had been fighting about the way I behaved when I drank. My constant need to fulfill cravings for alcohol ruined our outings. We only dated for six months, but my decline was rapid. My partner could see the way addiction changed my behavior and attitude in a matter of weeks.
Along the way, I also had been shedding friends. From getting carried out of clubs to starting petty arguments with strangers, my erratic behavior scared off a lot of my friends because I didn’t just put myself at risk, I would put everyone around me in risky situations.
I was unreliable and started canceling or showing up late to events. I would rather spend time alone, surfing the internet and drinking by myself. My friends started to give up on me.
After my partner and I broke up, going home with men I had just met — while drunk — became a regular habit. I would leave my friends in the blink of an eye for men I had met 20 minutes before. I would skip out on birthday dinners or work celebrations to get drunk and swap stories with regulars at local bars. The bubbly, playful person I once was had been transformed into a selfish, mean drunk.